


The One Where Richie and Kisa Have a Baby

by ricecinnamonandmilk



Category: From Dusk Till Dawn: The Series
Genre: F/M, Kisa is done with their shit, broken messed up sad excuse for a family, except not really, kate fuller the queen of being done with the gecko brothers’ shit, kisa is precious and deserves more fics, of course they’re a package deal, richie is basically a baby in an adult man’s body, so is kate obv, so is seth, there are not enough richie x kisa fics
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-22
Updated: 2018-05-31
Packaged: 2019-04-26 07:16:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,448
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14397018
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ricecinnamonandmilk/pseuds/ricecinnamonandmilk
Summary: “How is this even possible? We used protection”Richie actually had the balls to look pleased with himself. “Always knew my boys would go for the gold”, he snickered.Seth piped in, “Hey, do you think your swimmers used a drill like you?”And so, the boxman fertility jokes have begun.Kisa was not amused.(The one where Richie and Kisa are still badass as ever but this time they’re also total suburban parents)





	1. The One With the Pregnancy Test

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! :) I wrote this because I feel there isn’t enough Richie x Kisa love. They were too cute and it ended too soon. I feel if they continued the series, they probably would’ve worked through their differences and have made a power duo.
> 
> Anyway, here’s the pregnancy Richie x Kisa fic nobody asked for. (I think AU - No Culebras issa given)
> 
> There’s hella Inception references btw. If you haven’t seen it, well that’s what google and reddit are for. ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

Fingers running through her dark brown hair, Kisa lets out a frown as she scrutinizes herself in the mirror. She clasps her hands under her chin and examines her jawline. Still sharp, like the knives sitting in her boyfriend’s weapon room. But her cheeks seem to be getting bigger. She feels her face becoming rounder. Like her stomach.  
  
She takes a few steps away from the bathroom mirror and lifts her shirt, just a little bit. She runs her hands on her taut stomach. Raising an eyebrow, she lets out a sigh as she realizes that it’s not as firm as usual.  
  
Two weeks.  
  
She’s late by two weeks. She usually gets it every 32 days exactly. On the dot. When it didn’t happen, she figured it was probably the stress of her boyfriend’s brother moving in that delayed it.  
  
But it’s been two weeks.  
  
Two minutes.  
  
A loud ring brought her back from her musings. She stopped the alarm to keep her boyfriend from waking up. Having a beautiful ensuite bathroom was something she loved (and appreciated even more, now that King Broody was crashing in their home) but it came with a price, her boyfriend would sometimes barge in with no warning. She did not need to deal with him right now.  
  
She had sent him off to bed earlier. She fed him chicken tinga and even made horchata while he watched a Friends rerun. Needless to say, Richie Gecko was one happy camper. All tuckered in, sleeping soundly in their California king.  
  
She smiled as she peeked through the small gap of the door. In Jacknife’s or in... other business ventures, he was always the intimidating man in the suit. But now? He’s dressed in a matching pajama set with a fluffy duvet right up to his chin. He was so cute. He looked just like a —  
  
Baby. Right. Back to the task at hand.  
  
She had a lump in her throat. She was almost disappointed that she wasn’t thoroughly distracted. Her heart had gone from being steady and calm to beating like early 2000s dance club music. She could actually feel beads of sweat on her face. Her hand felt detached from her body as it reached for the little white stick sitting by the sink.  
  
Taking the test, she knew it was a possibility. She knew what it meant for her. But it was one thing knowing it might happen, and a whole other to actually deal with it.  
  
A little plus sign. That’s all it took for her to absolutely lose her cool.  
  
“ _Puta_ ,” she cursed almost immediately.

  
  
A million thoughts ran through her mind. From totally sane concerns that mothers should actually think about:

Was she prepared to bring life into this world?

Does she have a strong enough body to take all the changes that will happen throughout the pregnancy?

Does she have maternal instincts?

Are they in a good school district?

Are they gonna look for private schools?

 

To something completely taken from a bad gangster movie:

Will they have to deal with a “bring your kid to work” day in the bar?

Can Richie balance being a crime boss and being a father?

Can she continue working in the strip club?

Considering everyone they know has the possibility of ending up in prison, who’s going to be the child’s godparent?

 

  
  
“Son of a bitch,” she thought back to her earlier decision to speak to Richie calmly about this if it were ever real. And threw it out the window.  
  
She took long strides, ready to rip him a new one. A speech prepared about how his spawn will ruin the life she’s worked so hard for.  
  
But then she heard a gentle murmur from his pink lips “Come back to bed already” and spared a moment to appreciate her love. Her life. She was her own hero but Richie has always been there for her, willing to save her, not that she ever needed a man to. He truly is so precious. He showers her with affection and love, something she never experienced elsewhere or ever got used to. If she were to carry someone’s baby, she’s glad it’s Richie’s.  
  
Taking her hand to stroke Richie’s face, he sleepily responded, “Baby?”  
  
Her left eyebrow twitched and her smile turned into a scowl. (In true Kisa fashion)  
  
The hand that lovingly held Richie pulled back and immediately slapped him right in the face.  
  
“Kisa, what the hell?!” Richie sat up and stared at her, grabbing his glasses from the night stand and cleaning it with his Spiderman pajama top. To this, Kisa rolled her eyes. She was having a child with a man-child.  
  
She narrowed her eyes at him and yelled “Baby...? Baby?!” Did mood swings hit this early or was it just the four-letter reminder that months from now she’ll be popping out a Gecko — _who might cause some serious damage, if her boyfriend’s huge head is any indication_ — that is turning her into a bad telenovela personified?  
  
Richie just stared at her in alarm and stuttered “Uh. Um... _Cariña_? Is that better?” He has always been called sweet Spanish names by his girlfriend. He’d thought about returning the favour but he had the worst accent and sounded like he was trying too hard. His employees would probably laugh at his face. They already do with how much he unknowingly butchers the names of the food. It had gotten so bad that if Kisa was not around, he would either write down his order or point to the menu, like a petulant child.  
  
She let out a little giggle and it put him at ease, at least a little. He turned to face her, and took a moment to study her.  She looked so rattled, yet still so beautiful. Their bedroom was dimly lit but she was radiant as ever. A smile spread through his face. Yeah, she had a tendency for theatrics but that’s his baby.  
  
Kisa held his hands and kneeled down on the carpet floor before him. Looking him in the eyes — _eyes find eyes, he always says_ — she could see confusion and fear. But deeper down, she also saw love and adoration. She rested her head on Richie’s thighs and started crying. She’s not sure why though. Was she scared? Was she excited? It was all too overwhelming.  
  
At first, Richie tensed and he thought back to every recent stupid thing he’d done that would upset Kisa. He couldn’t think of anything though (he did however mentally pat himself on the back for remembering to delete his internet search history).  
  
Kisa gently squeezed Richie’s hands and he just instantly knew that she was scared. She was always like this when something terrified her. It doesn’t happen too often, but when it does, she yearns for comfort. His arms around her. A kiss on the forehead. Any small form of affection to bring her back down to earth.  
  
Richie ran his hand through her hair, affectionately caressing her. Trying to think of ways to calm her down, he hesitantly calls her attention “Kisa...?” Choosing to avoid terms of endearment or basically any other words because so far dealing with his girlfriend tonight has been like playing Minesweeper on Uncle Eddie’s old computer.  
  
She raised her head but she did not respond. She looked deep in thought. Her hands suddenly went from softly craving reassurance to unrelenting vice grip. _Oh my God, can someone die from this? What the hell is this? Is she trying to arm wrestle?_ This was so much worse than when he fooled around with Mary Palmer who gave him the handjob from hell. And _that’s_ saying something.  
  
He went to sleep with a loving Kisa and now he woke up to this... to this... nightmare.  
  
Hmm. Maybe that’s what happened to his Kisa? That must be it. Yeah. He’s still deep in his sleep and she’s been replaced with a demon. He thought back to that Leonardo DiCaprio movie and tried to remember how to get out of a dream. Oh right. He had to die. Based on how dream, or rather, nightmare Kisa was acting, it shouldn’t be too long.  
  
After loosening her grip on his hand, he looked at her face. His piercing blue eyes studying her doe russet ones. “Mi amorcito, I love you” Demon Kisa told him.  
  
_Ha, you can’t fool this brilliant mind, demon Kisa. Richard Gecko is a master tactician, a prodigy_.  
  
Alright, she should probably switch back to highkey evil and murder him so he can get out of this nightmare.  
  
“I love you too... Kisa,” He said her name as though he had to force it out from the back of his throat.  
  
Demon Kisa looked up at him and smiled despite her tears, before saying the two words that confirmed his whole Inception theory “I’m pregnant”  
  
_Jesus Christ, well damn. It’s a fucking good thing this is all just a dream._  
  
How does this usually work? He thought back to those awful cliché series Kisa always binge watches on his iPad. It’s usually a shocking, life-changing, plausible — but not totally likely — situation that causes the protagonist to jump up and realize it was all just a dream. Actual Richie should wake up screaming and then he’d turn to his side, see his beautiful not-pregnant girlfriend sleeping soundly next to him.  
  
He was waiting for a jerk in his leg, or a twitch of his arm.  
  
Okay, nightmare. Time to end this.  
  
.  
  
..  
  
...  
  
Anytime now...?  
  
Demon Kisa just stared at him.  
  
Is he stuck in Limbo?  
  
He looked to his nightstand, to his trusty pocket knife with the wooden carving and its eye detail. Should he just kill himself like Ariadne did? That is what she did to give herself the kick she needed. He was a second away from moving his hand towards the blade when he noticed Demon Kisa had followed his eyes to the knife. Her eyes widened and she looked back at him with grief on her face. For some reason, Richie had a sense of dread after getting caught. He immediately looked away from the knife as though the sight burned him and instead focused his attention on Demon Kisa.  
  
He was going to patiently wait for his impending dream death.  
  
Damn, she’s still gorgeous. But he will not be fooled.  
  
Richie had to applaud his subconscious though, for being so realistic. The way Demon Kisa had her signature murder eyes after he just left her hanging on her words. The way she dug her sharp nails on his thigh. The way she had a low almost-growl in her mouth.  
  
Kisa was livid. He had nothing to say? How dare he? _This is your fault, Richard. Your fertile fault!_  
  
She quickly got on her feet and coldly muttered “ _Que te la pique un pollo_ ”  
  
Richard was getting confused. She was speaking in Spanish. She knows he doesn’t know Spanish.  
  
Oh shit.  
  
_I don’t know Spanish_.  
  
No.  
  
_Therefore, my subconscious couldn’t use Spanish phrases in my dreams_.  
  
Fuck no.  
  
_Kisa just used Spanish_.  
  
Lord help him.  
  
This is real. This is not a dream, nor a nightmare. This is actual Kisa. This is not demon Kisa. But based on the way she’s looking at him, she’s about to be.  
  
_Please don’t kill me, Kisa._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you all liked it! I wrote this on a whim but I have high hopes for this fic so if you like it, please let me know :) I would more than appreciate it


	2. The One With the Five-Foot Teddy Bear

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The reality of the baby news finally hits Richie Gecko. And he only freaks out a little this time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hubellubo fellow humans. This chapter pretty much starts off with just Richie then becomes Richie and Seth-centric bc as we all know, two Geckos are better than one. And hooray for the “older brother Seth who cares for basically adult baby Richie” dynamic.

Location: Richie Gecko and Kisa Reyna’s front yard / Richie Gecko’s car  
Time: approximately 2:00 am

  
  
After Richie had been kicked out by Kisa, he didn’t want to be too far away from her so he decided to stay in his car. He took it out of the garage so he could still somewhat keep an eye on her. Yes, he may have reacted terribly but he wanted to make sure she was doing okay.  
  
Ten minutes in, a window opened up. Kisa poked her head through and yelled, “I’m still mad at you for being a stupid gringo”  
  
He went out the car and shouted back “I know... Hey sweetie, can I come back in?”  
  
Kisa answered with a question “Have you thought about what you’ve done?”  
  
Richie yelled back “Not thoroughly but I do accept that I was being a stupid gringo” He pronounces it as gring-GO which almost breaks Kisa’s anger. Almost.  
  
Kisa glared at him with whatever energy she had left “Use your brilliant fucking mind and think some more”  
  
“Okay, swee—-“ He was cut off by Kisa suddenly slamming down the window. Before she pulled the curtain back, she flipped him off. He just smiled sheepishly after her.  
  
He mulled over the big baby news for hours. Stewing in the small space all alone, he kinda figured he was being a tool. He thought back to his Inception theory and wanted to go back in time to kick his own ass. Jesus Christ, it was horrible. And then he remembered Kisa’s face when he was considering offing himself to get out of the “dream” and wake up to “real life”. That was on a whole other level of fucked-up.  
  
Things Kisa was probably thinking:  
a) He wanted to kill the baby  
b) He wanted to kill her for having a baby  
c) He wanted to kill himself because he got her pregnant with a baby  
d) All of the above  
  
There was no parenting book in the world that would answer “What do I do if I scared the mother of my child all because I thought we were in a Leonardo DiCaprio movie?”  
  
He was cringing at the thought of it. Poor Kisa. She must have been scared. She looked so scared to even say she was pregnant and with how he reacted, he knows he just made it worse.  
  
He’s scared too. Of course he is. Gecko’s aren’t exactly known for being the family type.

 Just ask his mom. _Oh wait, she walked out on us_.

Then just ask his dad. _Oh that’s right, I killed him._ Shit.  
  
Was he really ready to be a dad?  
  
Well, too late for that. He never even gave kids much thought and now he’s got a little bean growing in Kisa.  
  
It’s like when Seth used to pick him up for lunch and on the ride, he would ask Richie if he wants to join him on a robbery. Before he even makes up his mind, there’s Seth pulling up to the location, passing Richie his gun and giving sparse details. “Got your balls on?” He asks the younger Gecko. _No, you piece of shit. I left them at home because I just went under the pretense of getting lunch tacos and now I’m about to rob a damn bank._ “Screwed on tight” Richie always answers through gritted teeth.  
  
He’s Richie Gecko. He needs to have things planned. Everything needs to be laid out perfectly before he dives into it. He needs to do some research and determine possible outcomes and how to respond accordingly.

  
It’s almost comedic, the entire situation really. A baby. They’re having a baby. They’ve only had sex once. _See what happens when things don’t go as planned._ And now they’re having a baby. They wanted to take things slow. (Or as slow as living together would allow) They barely went through typical couple milestones. They haven’t even had a couple’s weekend away together.  
  
But it’s Kisa. Beautiful, smart, resilient Kisa. He should be grateful he found someone like her. Who would’ve thought the nerdy loser Gecko ending up with the most drop dead gorgeous woman in the Americas? And she’s carrying his child. Most people would kill to be in his position. (And to be even more honest, there are actual people who would and could actually kill him to be in his position)  
  
He never thought of himself as someone who could be a family man. He figured he’d been fucked up so bad that he would fuck up any kin.  
  
He let out a frustrated groan and tried to think clearly. _Come on, Richie._  
  
Sure, Ray was never a good father to him or to Seth. But that doesn’t automatically make him incapable of at least trying his best to be. Maybe he can give little bean the childhood he and Seth wanted. He would give time for bean. He would help Kisa take care of bean. He would tuck bean in before bed. He would go home early with takeout for bean. He would take bean to a good school. He would go attend parent teacher meetings for bean. He would help bean with homework and smile every time bean gets a star from the teacher. He would cook burgers for bean and Kisa every weekend. He would make sure bean gets birthday cakes and balloons and all that other crap his neighbors and classmates got. He would make sure bean never felt unloved or unwanted.  
  
For little bean, he could learn to be a good father.  
  
He _would_ be a good father. He would be that guy telling corny dad jokes when they go out to eat. He would get a beautiful house in a nice neighbourhood. He could build a treehouse. He could go take them to conventions where they dress up in silly costumes.  
  
His fears of being inadequate was soon washed over with daydreams of his future with Kisa and little bean. Pretty soon, he even added another bean to the picture and another and another.  
  
He didn’t even realize it but by the time he opened his eyes and caught sight of himself in the mirror, he had the biggest smile on his face. His eyes were dead tired, but he could see that it was a happy kind of tired.

 

 _Maybe that’ll be what I look like all the time once the baby comes_ .  
  
—————————————————————-  
  
Location: Richie and Kisa’s front yard  
Time: approximately 7:00 am

  
  
_What the fuck?_ Seth had gone outside to get some fresh air, only to see his brother in the car, smiling like a lunatic.  
  
Two quick taps on the window and Richie rolls it down to reveal Seth with his eyebrows dangerously close to his hairline.  
  
“Yes, brother?” Richie responded, sounding dazed and far too happy. The sight reminded Seth of the first time he’d caught his little brother smoking pot.  
  
Seth was getting suspicious but he wanted to test the waters first, forcing a smile, he says “Hey, buddy”  
  
Richie just stayed grinning at him for a few seconds and then his lips drew into a straight line, like a light went off in his head.  
  
“Seth...” Richie said, sounding serious, like he was about to tell Seth a big secret or some devastating news.  
  
Seth leaned forward and urged him to continue. “What is it, Richie?”  
  
“You wanna go get bagels?”  
  
_Dammit, the kid was stoned_ . Seth closed his eyes and breathed in and out deeply.  
  
“Okay, kid” Seth replied, directing a tight-lipped smile to the eager face of his brother “...but I’m driving”  
  
—————————————————————  
  
Location: Richie and Kisa’s front yard  
Time: approximately 9:00 am

  
  
They get back to the house in two hours. Why did it take so long to get bagels? Is there a bagel drought in Houston? Did they go out of their way to get exceptionally good bagels?  
  
It did not take long to get bagels; it took Richie about fifteen minutes. No, there is not a bagel drought in Houston. No, they went to their usual bagel place.  
  
So why did the trip take almost two hours?  
  
Seth stays in the driver’s seat as he watches his brother monkey around trying to balance bags and bags of different food. He groaned and wanted to hit his brother for buying more than they could eat. Think of all the waste, sheesh.  
  
(A brief run through of the bullshit Seth Gecko had to endure with Richie Gecko)  
  
They stopped by Abuelita Maria’s to pick up the bagels, and some muffins of different flavours.  
  
Seth opted to stay in the car. Richie of course, made small talk with Abuela Maria and her granddaughter, also named Maria. Kisa had been the one to initiate communication with the two but Richie had been buying from them for years.  
  
“Oh, you tell your novia to eat more of this. She is too skinny.” Abuela Maria says as Richie gets ready to leave.

He gives her a polite smile. She was a sweet lady. “Of course, Mrs. Santiago”  
  
“What did I tell you?” She asks in a playful scolding manner.

“Yes, _Abuela_ ” Richie then answered in a mocking exasperated tone.

“Abuela, stop talking so much” Little Maria tsks at the older lady.

“You would think she was the one in charge here, no?” Richie just lets out a laugh as he bids the two goodbye.

  
“Richie, what the fuck?” is the first thing out of Seth’s mouth as soon as he gets back in the car.

 “Wow, you’re just Mr. Sunshine today. Aren’t you?”  
  
“How much shit did you buy?” Seth using his older brother voice that the younger was no longer intimidated by. Mostly.

“Not that much” Richie answers with a shrug

“You’re juggling three bags filled to the brim”

“Look, _Abuela_ gave some of this for free, okay? She insisted” Seth can’t help roll his eyes at Richie’s diction. Lived in Texas for years. Did business with people from Mexico. And the guy still sounded so white when he spoke Spanish.

  
They then stopped by a Krispy Kreme and got a dozen of their glazed doughnuts. Or so they planned.  
  
By the time Richie came back to the car, he was holding an extra dozen of the crazy flavoured ones. The ones they loved as kids (on those few occasions Uncle Eddie was able to spoil them) but never really ate as adults. Seth was starting to see a pattern here.

 

They went to get Kahuna Burgers too and obviously ordered horchata and sweet potato fries on the side, as usual. But when Seth was about to put the car in drive, the cashier Richie was speaking to, knocked on their door.

She had a big grin on her face and held up a bag “On the house. See you guys again soon”.

 Richie grinned back at the girl, ‘Olivia’ as her name tag read, “Thanks. Have a good day”

 Seth peeked at the bag, extra serving of sweet potato fries. Huh. That one he actually liked.

 

They then dropped by Burt’s Bodega to get their favourite cream cheese and Richie decides to stock up on some candy bars, sour worms, Doritos and Hot Cheetos.

Just like in Kahuna, as they got in the car, old man Burt came running out with a stack of DVD’s. He shoves them into Richie’s lap with a big smile. “Give these to your lady, will ‘ya? She and the missus would always talk about those telenovelas. I think she’d like these”

“Man, you didn’t have to”

 “Believe me, she’ll appreciate the heck out of it.”

 “You even got _Lola_. She’s always talking about this” Richie remarks as he inspects the stack

 “Oh and here, dark chocolate would be your best bet” Burt says dropping two candy bars on top of the DVD’s.

  
As they were heading back home, Richie still had that dopey look on his face and Seth couldn’t wait to sit him down on the couch and let him ride the high out.

His high or whatever it was. He had been weird all morning. It doesn’t seem like he’d get high though. He knows Richie has been foregoing weed and booze ever since the she-demon moved in with him. But it was the only way that could explain the fidgety Richie with a knack for hella food and Mexican dramas.

 Just when Seth was nearing the outskirts and closer home, Richie starts jumping up in his seat.  
  
“Hey, hey, hey” Richie calls to him. Seth could feel his patience wearing thin. “Could we go to the supermarket?”  
  
“Are you actually fucking kidding right now?” Seth says without taking his eyes off the road  
  
“No, brother. Why would I _kid_?” Richie says with a goofy smile on his face as he puts emphasis on the last word and starts giggling like a school girl

 

 _Where the hell did he get this stuff?_ Seth bit on his cheek as he took his baby brother shopping. _If I’m gonna be spending more time with him, I may need to have whatever it is he’s smoking._  
  
Richie has so far picked up normal stuff for the house. Some Eggo, Hot Pockets (for Seth, obviously), coffee, some milk (regular for him and soy for Seth, and almond for Kisa), orange juice, apple juice. It all seemed normal.

 But Seth should have known better. Normal and Richie do _not_ go together.

Seth walked around aimlessly, occasionally checking in on his brother, but he seemed to be handling himself okay. _He’ll be okay. He’ll be okay._ Seth repeated to himself as a mantra.  
  
The checkout counter was a different story. Somehow in the fifteen minutes Richard Gecko was alone, he decided to also buy a basket’s worth of fresh fruits, two memory foam pillows, one of those five foot teddy bears, and a rainbow of balloons.  
  
Seth was about to stop Richie from making the weirdest set of purchases he’d seen in his life but he noticed all the stuff had already been punched in. The poor bagger kid didn’t expect so much and was trying his best to keep up with the flow of items. Seth grabbed the pillows and the teddy bear and started heading towards the exit.  
  
He looked to his brother and said “I’ll bring the car around. Meet you out front”  
  
Richie, who was busy paying, looked at him like he was a hero in one of his mythology books and gave him a bear hug. “Dude, you’re the best. You know that?”  
  
“Right...” Seth just looked at him with confusion on his face “Behave yourself” he said pointing a finger in his direction, obviously thinking Richie would do otherwise.

Driving back home was even worse because then, Richie started whining about whether or not he got the best five-foot teddy bear in the market.

 “It’s a five-foot fucking teddy bear, Richie. There’s not much to compare.”

“But there are other five-foot teddy bears. I want to make sure I have the best one”

“Richie, I swear to God. One more sentence containing the phrase ‘five-foot teddy bear’ and I will start popping these balloons”

“Technically, I said ‘five-foot teddy bear _s’._ Like with an ‘s’”

 POP!

“The fuck did I just say?”

 “Dude, what the hell? Now it’s not a rainbow anymore”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have risen from the dead (finals season with a dash of anxiety attacks) and written this chapter in what is basically a caffeine-fueled sesh. Hope you guys liked it! Show some love <3


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